This year Ryan and I decided we were kinda done with the "9-5" schedule thing.  Granted, Ryan and I haven't had 9-5 jobs in years... but we've stuck to the kids school schedule, and as more and more traveling opportunities popped up, we realized we needed to do a major life change.

Home schooling. 

You guys have every right to say were out of our minds. 

I will totally admit- for ME- home schooling is hard.  It's crazy.  It takes energy.  It takes organization.  Patience- omggggg it takes patience.   And you have to show up.  All day, every day. 

But its given us SO MUCH MORE than what its "taken." (energy, sleep, etc.)

When I was sick, in and out of the hospital, I felt such a disconnect with my kids.  They started depending on Ryan; which yeah, why wouldn't they?  I was in the hospital all the time.  Or knocked out in bed.  It was awful.  And while we still don't know what caused the craziness (we suspect an autoimmune disease), as my "good days" started stacking up, I began thinking about everything we could see and do with our time! (( NEVER TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED. EVER EVER EVER.  ))

Traveling, following our fave band around (I swear we're not stalkers- just big fans:), ticking things off our bucket list... with my health in check, that door was wide open.  And we jumped through it without much investigating :) 

It was (IS) a scary jump, but its one I'd take over, and over again. 

Learning with my kids is something I never thought I'd really enjoy... I mean they would bring home packets of worksheets from their old school and I LOATHED it.   But this is different. 

There aren't loads of worksheets.  (& they aren't whining 24/7 while doing it, like they would after school last year. :)

They do book work every day (Mon-Fri), but we incorporate their book work with fun and relevant activities; reading, researching, visiting, seeing, hearing, tasting- ALL the things they're learning about.   We also play.  A lot.    Whether its the ice cream scoop game, or throwing a ball around, or side walk chalking, it's the absolute BEST to feel so connected as a family.  I can't imagine ever doing "normal" school/life again.

Something else we have the kids doing is collecting things from everywhere we go.  Each and every museum, zoo, attraction, or experience of any kind is documented.  It's super fun to see what "sparks joy" in each kiddo ;)  On our recent trip up north, Stella had grabbed a bunch of info cards about Thomas Jefferson's Monticello.  I knew she liked it, but it wasn't until getting home and finding her stash of maps and guides, that I realized she really got something out of it.   She also started a $2.00 bill collection. :) haha 

SOOOO.... back to SARASOTA.  What about it?

It's been one of our favorite "easy to get to" destinations as a family.  And I want to share why you should take a visit to this cool circus city!

Aside from it being just plain GORGEOUS, and accessible (to us Floridaians) there is SO much fun history! And really good food.  GOOD, good food.

So, with the kids help, we came up with a "Sarasota MUST DO" list :) 


1.  The Ringling
This was- hands down- the kids' very favorite thing we did.  THEY LOVED IT.  WE LOVED IT.  Right on the gulf, sits the Ringling Brothers estate.  It's incredible!  The actual museum has a ton of hands on, circus-y stuff for kids.  But their favorite part was the ginormous model circus.  They have been begging to create a mini model zoo, since seeing the TWO STORY Ringling circus model.  We also loved the giant Banyan trees, and sitting on the deck/ back porch of the Ca' d'Zan.  It's probably a 3-4 hour experience... and we just adored it  :)

2.  VENICE BEACH
We live over on the Atlantic and are privy to having the beach at our fingertips.  With that being said, my kids don't go crazy over new beaches.  To them, they're all the same:  sand and water.  But Venice beach is a little different.  It's about 30-45 minutes south of Sarasota, but we hit it up because.... there are shark teeth everywhere.  I'm talking handfuls of shark teeth (if you go at the right time, in the right place :)  I consider myself to be a professional shark tooth hunter,  but my kids are not.  They hate it.  They don't have the patience for it at a normal beach.  Venice however gives them the excitement, and satisfaction of finding loads of sharks teeth without much actual "searching." ;)  We had a contest last time we went; whoever found the most teeth could pick dessert.  EVERY kiddo (even Rosie) found several teeth, and we had a blast  counting them at the end.  Turns out we are a very competitive family... and just for the record, I won.   (And, yes, I absolutely was the one who chose dessert).

3.  St. Armands Circle
This little bit of town, is identical to St. George street (here in St. Augustine), but in a circle... and circus themed.  Because everything in Sarasota is circus themed!   We spent HOURS here, window shopping, eating, and listening to music while the kids ran around the huge grassy center (St. Armands Circle).  Make sure to walk alllllll around the circle and read even MORE about the history of the Ringling brothers circus.  There are plaques dedicated to the best of the best tightrope walkers, contortionists, clowns, and all sorts of other cool circus acts.  It's def a MUST SEE!

4.  Big Olaf Creamery
Remember the shark tooth/dessert thing?  This is what I chose as our prize; Big Olaf Creamery.  OH MY YUM. 
-quick side note- My dad has blessed me with many things, his nose, and his love for ice cream and donuts.  Wherever we go, ice cream and donuts are ALWAYS on the radar,  We're like professional taste testers. 
So trust me when I say, grab a scoop or two at the creamery!  They have tons of different flavors you won't find anywhere else, and of course, those glorious chocolate dipped waffle cones.   YUMMMM.

5.  Marie Selby Gardens
We were very hesitant to take the kids to a garden.  I mean, they're well behaved, (I think) but they ARE kids... meaning, they're loud and curious.  :)  I was picturing Rosie picking extinct flowers that had taken hundreds of years to grow, or Stella trampling through a patch of protected plants... however, it is SO kid friendly.  There are a ton of rare flowers and beautiful plants-  definitely take your time to look through them.  Make sure to ask for the flower scavenger hunt they have for kids- it made the experience 100000x better :)  Each kid had a list of flowers or plants to find.  And it was catered to their own preference;  "Find your favorite flower".... "Find a plant that starts with the first letter of your name,"  etc.  They had a blast!  We hit the kid section pretty quickly, and all flower/plant hunting went out the door.  I think they spent a good hour swinging on all the different ropes, and swings, crawling through caves, and climbing over trees.  Kid you not- not one of them wanted to go the gardens- they all complained on the way there... and we ended up having to drag them out of the flowers, promising we'd be back sometime soon.  HAHA  :)

6.  Der Dutchman
I'm not really sure how to even tell yall about this place... hmm... I got a coffee mug from there, and it says, "Thanksgiving ALL year Long!"  And I guess that's a good way to describe it.  First of all, its giant.  HUGE.  It's two stories of pure goodness.  And you'll want everything.  The downstairs is hands down the nicest, yummiest buffet I've ever been to (and we've been to every Disney buffet there is...sooo that's saying a lot).  And its CHEAP.  Like 6.99 per person.  We ate breakfast here, and I think its what breakfast in heaven will be like. HUGE handmade Amish donuts, french toast, pancakes, eggs, a million different kinds of potatoes, and the BEST.  COFFEE.  EVER.  The upstairs of the restaurant is a store- like cracker barrel- but way better because everything is handmade (like that day).  We ended up going home with a few tubs of raspberry jelly, peanut butter sauce,  and apple butter. 

7.  The "Circus" Park
Umm... I think the official name of this park is "Hyde Park" but we just call it the circus park.  And that's because the entire park is circus themed.  They have fake (duh) elephants that Rosie loved doing "tricks" on.  There are tigers guarding the slides, and monkeys on the monkey bars.  There's a Ferris wheel climbing thing... and a line of hoops for kids to run through- with seals that splash you at the end of your run:)  It's the CUTEST park, and a great place to get some energy out!

8.  "Unconditional Surrender" statue
So this isn't really a "thing to do"- but it's certainly a thing to see!  Right on the bay, is the iconic soldier kissing/coming home statue.  There's enough room to grab a pic, but not too much room to run around (it's pretty busy with traffic).  Regardless, its super cool to see, and the kids thought it was funny because they could see up the lady's skirt...

9. Lido Key
Guys- promise me- PROMISE ME- if you go to Lido Key and watch the sunset, take pictures and TAG ME!  HAHA!  I am obsessed with this spot!  Pictures, words- nothing will do it justice.   It's an experience you just have to experience.   There's also a really cute NIGHT TIME donut place called "Meany's Mini Donuts"- we stopped here before watching the sunset because... donuts.  Duh. 

10. THE MOTE!
Hands up if you're really into aquariums!!!  My hand is raised high- I flipping LOVE me a good aquarium.  We've been to some pretty epic ones... so I was hesitant to go to Sarasota's "little Mote aquarium."  I was picturing some gators (they're a staple anywhere in FL), and some salt water fish tanks.   OH how we were pleasantly surprised!!!  The Mote is HUGE- its actually two buildings and has evvvvverything from tiny sea cucumbers to a HUGE squid.   They have several "touch tanks" (my kids fave)- we got to touch sharks-EEE!  I can't lie and say I wasn't a little nervous one of those buggers would get annoyed and bite a finger off... but we survived :)   And it was so, so cool!

 

So there ya go!

THOSE are our fam's top ten things to do in Sarasota! 

We have tons of Florida travel goals... there's just SO. MUCH. TO.SEE! 

But Sarasota will always be one of our fave little places to get away.  :)



What Florida town is on your bucket list? 



P.S.  I have every intention on blogging about all these little trips,  and I still do- unfortunately I'm like 10 trips behind...
 

Panic Attacks & Pride

It's common knowledge, even if you just KINDA know me- I struggle with anxiety.  And when I say struggle?  I'm talking about on the ground, "call 911" anxiety.  It's not pretty.

I was first diagnosed with it after having Maeve.  That's also when I started up on all my medications.  I've used everything from xanax, to ativan, to valium to try and control these things.  But still.... they  were coming on a regular basis for awhile.  

I'm not sure if I've ever shared this  specific story or not, because its embarrassing.  Except I'm not embarrassed by things I cannot control anymore.  I want to shed light on the dark, ugly stories- and let WHOEVER is reading this know you can, and WILL make it into the light.  

  

Maeve was a couple of months old, and I was basically a ball of wired up, nervous energy.  I never slept.  Rarely ate.  I couldn't think straight, and I needed either my mom or dad to be home with me and the baby while Ryan was at work.  (yep it was that bad).

This particular day, my dad was on "Ashley duty" (something I called it, which made me feel even more guilty, and worthless).  Maeve was sleeping- or at least being calm/content.  My dad asked if he could run up to his office and grab some files.  He'd be back in 30 minutes.  

I was 23 years old.  "Yes dad, I can stay in my own home, with my own baby for 30 minutes alone."  (I didn't say that- but that was the constant thought running through my head back then).

He left, and as soon as he did, the panic came.

I started pacing, with my phone.  I remember having my dad's number ready to dial, but I wanted SO BADLY to show him- to show Ryan, my family, MYSELF- that I can do this.  

I think it took a few minutes of my heart rate in the 140's to hit the "CALL" button.  

When my dad's truck pulled back into the driveway, I couldn't do anything but sit on the floor and cry.  Yes I actually did.  

I sat down on the floor- right where I was, and cried.  

My dad came in and we talked about what was going on.  He asked if it was an "ER worthy panic attack."  Of course I said yes.... because in my head, this wasn't panic, it was imminent death.  

Dad loaded baby Maeve in the car and drove us to the hospital.  Right before I was going to go in, my dad said, "Ash do you really need to do this?  Is there anything that can help that doesn't involve the emergency room?"  I had been in and out of the hospital SO many times by then, and bills were running high.

I thought for a minute, and said, "Yeah... maybe."

I'm positive it wasn't what my dad was expecting to hear, but I said "find a liquor store.   He went in, purchased a bottle of tequila, and brought it back to me.  

I remember crying and apologizing to my dad for having to see this.  I had NEVER drank in front of my parents (they're strictly no alcohol), let alone SHOTS straight out of the bottle.   I drank enough, that by the time we got home, the panic was gone and I could slump to bed as my dad waited for Ryan to get home.

That was life for a few months.  Panicking, ER trips, guilt, SHAME (oh the shame).

And then I got into an anxiety clinic... they got me on meds and within about 6 months, I no longer dealt with crippling panic.  The second my heart would begin to race, I'd take some ativan.  It worked like magic.  The feelings would be gone, and I'd be either asleep or too relaxed to care.  

For 10ish years I was on and off SO much flipping medication.  Some was genuinely needed.  Much was not. 

When I decided to wean off of allllll that junk a couple of years ago, replacing it with natural and alternative medication I knew it was going to be tough.  I knew it was going to take a LOT to undo everything I had done to my body.  But enough was enough.  And I marched into the fire.

I had a "run" of about 8 months or something without a single thing happening.  No kidney infections.  No stones.  Nothing weird.  Just feeling WHOLE & healthy as I continued (and still continue) to heal. 

ALL of that to say, it's been a LONG, LONNNNNG time since I've dealt with a full on panic attack.   

(sooo ABOUT yesterday...)

Yesterday I woke up feeling  under the weather from this lovely kidney infection I have.  Other than a low grade temp & some back pain though, I was good.  My heart was A-okay, I was breathing normally, etc.  To aid with my kidney health, I drank some CBD coffee, took an extra multigreen, drank an extra ningxia, and chugged water.  

We started homeschooling.  The kids were progressing through their weekly work just fine. 

In between helping them, and doing some biz stuff, I was also able to whip up some sugar cookies.  (Um... an extra multigreen+  ningxia + Super B tabs= energizer bunny Ash).

It was a completely normal day.  And I felt accomplished- useful.  Needed.

It was around 11:30 in the morning I guess, when my body decided to flip the panic switch.  The panic switch that had been "off" for SO. DANG. LONG.

I was sitting by Rosie, doing a dice game, and my heart rate went from "normal" (prob 60's/70s) to racing (130's-140's) in a mere seconds.  

This is why they call these things "panic attacks."  

They just HAPPEN.  There's never a warning, or even a hint of "yo- in a few minutes you're gonna feel like you're dying."

I sat for a minute, woozy, dizzy, light headed, numb, and heart POUNDING.  

When I felt like I could walk without passing out, I found Ryan and told him, "I'm either having a severe panic attack, or a heart attack."

The last time I had a panic attack (or what I thought was a panic attack) ended up being a blood clot.  SO- I can tell you, post blood clot, nothing is ever off the freaking table. 

I'm still in the process of weaning off klonopin, so I had that; however, I'm on such a low dose of klonopin, that it didn't touch the panic.  And I don't have the luxury of taking "extras" because I simply don't have them.  If I were to take more than prescribed, I'd run out of my script early- and that would be a nightmare.  

SO... yesterday I felt everything.  All of the feelings I had worked so hard to numb- they were there, having a party,  And I was the guest of honor.

Guys.  This panic attack took me DOWN.

I laid in bed yesterday until dinner, checking my pulse, and taking deep breaths.  I diffused oil (trauma life) RIGHT over my head, and I let myself be sad.

Because that's what I felt.  Under it all... I felt sadness, and defeat.

Medication had always numbed that for me during panic attacks.

PLEASE LISTEN- a pill (or two, or three- whatever) is NOT going to "fix" you.  Yes, with benzodiazipines your heart rate slows, and you get sleepy.  But the emotional stuff- its all still there.  Steaming with vengeance and ready to wage war.  And unless you want to be in a catatonic state, you gotta feel it all.   

Ryan (who's always winning the best husband award) let me dump everything- EVERY SINGLE THING- onto his plate (which is full on its own- no doubt).

 I was lying in bed, trying to not go out of my mind, so I started to dissect those feelings.

Right off the bat, I realized I was incredibly sad BECAUSE  of simply having the panic attack I never asked for.  

I was also frustrated, and scared.  I've had 2 kidney infections within a month, and while that may not seem like a big deal, it was  kidney infections that used to land me in the hospital.  Having two, so close together scared (is scaring) the crap out of me.  Yep.  I'm terrified!  I think I told Ryan 800 times yesterday, "I can't do it again.  My body can't go through this again."

He kept reassuring me, two kidney infections doesn't mean I'm back in "that place."  He reminded me of how differently we  handle our health now.  How strong I've built my body, and mind... "Ash it would take a LOT more than 2 kidney infections for you to ever be that sick again."  I needed to hear that.  And not just once- I made him say it again, and again.

I honestly thought yesterday was going to either end with me in a body bag (you guys I was like 100000% positive I was having a heart attack) or in the ER, hooked up to an Ativan drip.  

Neither of those situations happened (thankfully:)) 

Yesterday I wanted to blog about our LOVE for Sarasota & why you GOTTA get over there :)

Instead, I cried in bed.  

When I started to come out of that panic haze (if you get panic attacks you know what I'm talking about... its almost like a hangover),  I went into the kitchen- horrible headache, eyes burning from crying for hours- I'm pretty sure I looked like a complete maniac.  

Later, Ryan and I talked about what had happened.  I told him about the sadness and frustration I'm feeling with my body (kidneys- and now the dang panic attack).  I told him how angry and defeated I felt.  It was like the beast of anxiety had unleashed years of lost fury on me.  And I was scared it was going to happen again.  But the biggest thing- the mountain of all mountains- was comprehending I have no control over any of it.  I can only control how I respond.

Listen guys, people with anxiety don't choose it. (HAAA trust me on that)!  We don't go looking for something to panic about.  Brain chemicals that I know nothing about, and have no control over, create the anxiety and panic.  Then, I deal with it.  

If my heart decides to go on a crazy, fast marathon, its gonna do it.  

Yes, there ARE medications for emergencies, and situations like this.  And no, I'm not completely opposed to taking something that I genuinely need.  It's still my goal to wean off klonopin (I'M SO STINKIN CLOSE)... however, Ryan reminded me that it is OKAY to ask for help.  It is OKAY to say you're not okay.  He told me "Ash you could take 4mg of klonopin and that doesn't mean you are lesser than. Do you think you're worth more if you're only taking 1 milligram?"

I thought about that... and sadly. the answer was yes.  The truthful answer in my heart, was "YES."  I feel like a worse mom, wife, sister, daughter, etc. for not being able to fix this on my own.

I started with the rant he loves (NOT) about how he can do ANYTHING and not have to take a single pill.  But if I'm going to fly on an airplane, I need medication.  If I'm going to be in a crowd, give me my 1mg of klonopin.  And he asked again, "So if you take 1mg of klonopin to get through a flight, you're not enough?"

It sounded so dumb as soon as he said it.  But I had to admit, that, "YEP."

There is a lot of pride I like to couple up with my anxiety.  When I have to take my klonopin I subconsciously knock myself down a few notches.  And I'm not writing this so you guys can say "OH you're strong and great, etc.!" 

 NO NO NO.

I'm writing this because for almost 2 years, I've let my anxiety medication dictate my worth.  And that's not fair.  It's wrong.  And if you're struggling with something like this right now, please know you are not a weak person for doing what you need to do, to live a full life.

It's such a slippery slope.  I know all too well how 1mg of klonopin can turn into 2, and then 3, etc.  And I'm SUCH an "anti-meds" freak because I've witnessed first hand the havoc they wreck on your body.  However, I've always held onto the fact that medicine has its place, and acts as a tool to help WHEN NEEDED. 

Next week I'm going to have to tell my psychiatrist that I'm having a hard time with my klonopin dose.  I have to say, "I'm not doing well on this dose.  I'm not okay."  It's gonna suck- because in essence I'm saying, "I need more." And that feels like a whopping pile of defeat because I've worked so hard on weaning.  

But on the other side of the coin, it feels like victory.  Because I will not stay silent and let this disease control my life. I will advocate for the best health care for ME, and I won't ever stop.

And when things start to even out (KIDNEY'S PLEASE GET HEALTHY) I'll be right back on that weaning train. Because it really is a goal I've worked SO.FREAKING.HARD on, and its a goal I still want to achieve.  Will I get there?  God only knows.  Really- God is the only One Who actually knows.

It almost pains me to type this; but I think I needed a full blown panic attack to remind me of that.  

I've been carrying pride around.  Ew.  

Pride, that makes absolutely no sense.  

I am no better or worse, or less- for needing, or NOT needing a medication. 

And neither are you. 

Sorry this post got so lengthy... and thanks for still reading ;)  I just wanted to really make it clear that it is healthy and 100% OKAY to acknowledge when YOU are not healthy, or okay.  And in return, making the necessary life changes- whether it be in your spiritual life, or diet, and yes, even medication, actually makes you pretty strong, and brave. It's easy to drink the alcohol to numb the feelings.  It's easy to take more than prescribed to get some relief.  Those are EASY things.  

Ya know what's hard?  Humbling yourself, and telling someone "I need help."  Sadly, that seems to be harder than pretending you've got it all together, while sneaking alcohol.  Or popping unnecessary pills.  

Friends, please- PLEASE reach out- to someone- ME- anyone- if you're struggling.  

It's okay that you're not okay.  And its going to be okay, because you're addressing it.

Be bold with your mental health.  SPEAK OUT.  Do NOT stay silent.

Be humble with your victories.  They can be snatched in a second.  

And above everything else- just surrender.  

Surrender it all in His name.

I have a tattoo on my wrist that says, "Be still."  The Biblical meaning of that phrase is to go slack.  To fully surrender.  I probably look at those words fifty times a day to remind myself that I can't and won't ever do this alone.  

I surrender all, Jesus.  Even on the days when "pride" says otherwise.  I will always surrender.

      

  

70

70.

It's a harmless number on its own.  But it's a number that I'll never forget. 

Part of having this blog is to include you on this journey.  Not because I want a huge load of spectators watching my every move, and whispering behind my back. (that's actually a huge fear of mine)  Rather, if somewhere, within that crowd there's just ONE person gaining some strength to fight, I'm gonna type on.

Because this is so freaking hard.  And it's lonely. 

One in every four Americans have either anxiety or depression, or some other kind of mood/behavior condition.  This journey shouldn't be lonely.

But it is, because it remains in the shadows.  Depression, anxiety, drugs, addiction, recovery, etc;  these are taboo topics we don't bring up.  That's gotta change.  And I'm trying to help with that change.

With that said, let me be candid;  I switched psychiatrists (again).  Not a huge deal- but it is, because if you have anxiety, any kind of change is awful and scary. 

At one point in 2017, I was allotted up to SIX milligrams of klopnopin as needed, per day.  That's a lot.  Like... a LOT. 

When I decided to get off of all meds, I knew klonopin was going to be the tough one.  I knew it from the first time I stepped down in my dosage.  Getting off of klonopin was going to suck.  But I stuck to my guns, and I told my psychiatrist (in 2017), "I want to wean off my klonopin,"  She came up with a plan.

I love plans.

Plans mean preparation. 

Plans mean you are on the right track.

Plans hold you accountable.

Plans take root, and become routine.  Routine is safety.  (says my brain)

So in the summer of 2018 when my psych sent me a letter (in the mail) stating she was "dropping me as a patient," I felt sucker punched.

OUR PLANS!

I can't remember exactly what the letter said, but it had a list of a few other psychiatrist who might be willing to "take me on" as a patient, and it also included one last script.  After that script, I'd have no access to klonopin through my old psych.

I was terrified. 

Ryan kept saying, "Look, we'll make an appointment with someone else, and it will all be fine." 

But I had plans.  My psych and I had PLANS. 

Here's the SICK thing about long term use of klonopin-  you can't just stop.  You can't even just "cut back."   

I learned this when I decided to quit cold turkey.  Yes, yes, I went from 6mg of klonopin to zero. 

I lasted two weeks  without klonopin, and literally could not take one more second.  Ryan drove me into our GP and I spilled it all out to him.  My vitals were out of whack and I hadn't eaten in days.  My OCD was out of control; I couldn't stop pacing and washing my hands.  (weird stuff, I know).

My doc wrote me a script for 4 mg. and I filled it immediately.

After a few days being on a "regular" dose, I felt okay again.  Scared, but okay.

Isn't it terrifying that a tiny blue pill could hold so much power??   There was a time I had no idea how I could EVER get it out of my life.  There were no plans.  It was just "taking klonopin until I found a new psychiatrist."  And I could've stayed in that 4mg zone forever.  It was easy.  Comfortable. 

I had detoxed off of pain meds already, which was brutal, and I was just learning how to live without pain medication dictating every step I made. 

4mg of klonopin was like this giant cushion of relief I had at the end of the day.  (or whenever I needed it).  And for a few months I stayed complacent in my "fight to be med free." 

I thought, "I'm on zero narcotics, opioids, etc.  CERTAINLY, I should be allowed enough klonopin to keep me sane."   I have anxiety.  I have to be on medication,  I've been told that for almost 13 years.  It's ingrained in my head.  I NEED KLONOPIN. 

My GP is awesome, and caught onto this unhealthy thinking pretty quickly.  He straight up told me, "I can't treat you anymore with this, but I will find someone who will."  And he did.  He found a psychiatrist who was willing to "take me on" as a patient. 

Fast forward to today... I'm down to 2 milligrams.  Somehow.  I mean, I know how.  But I look back to those days when I thought life was IMPOSSIBLE without 6 milligrams of klonopin.  And then, when I thought life was impossible without 4 milligrams of klonopin....

Life was hard- life IS hard (goodness gracious), surely.  But not impossible.  Never, NEVER impossible.

At my very first appointment, Dr. S & I went over all my background info. 

He pulled out a chunk of papers.  On the front was a big, bold, 700. 

I had no clue what that meant, but listened as he explained.

Florida has three categories of drugs:
Opioids/narcotics, Benzodiazipine (downers), amphetamines (uppers).

Everyone who lives in the state of Florida has this paper; even if you're on zero medication. 

Somehow, someone, somewhere, was able to put a number system to this thing.  And it was that number that made me think twice about my complacency with klonopin.

(Keep in mind, this was shortly after I got off of pain meds)- but at that moment, in the state of Florida, my opioid "score" was over 450 and my benzo score was around 250.  I was never on any uppers, so that was a zero... but there was that big, fat, foreboding "700" number. 

Sometimes I wish I hadn't asked.  But then again,  I'm thankful I did...

Florida has an "accidental overdose" chart.  It ranges from 0 to 999.  Basically, you have a zero percent chance of overdosing if you're on zero meds.  The number changes as meds are added, taken away, etc.  My number was 700. 

I asked what that meant exactly.  The doctor said, "this means that when you were on 6mg of klonopin and the opioids, you basically had a 70% chance of an accidental overdose. 

70%. 

I was shocked... and the tears spilled.  I asked, "So I had a 70% chance of dying??"  And he clearly stated, "When you were on this amount of narcotics, and that amount of benzodiazpines, yes, you had a 70% chance of overdosing."

And then he said, "You beat the odds.  Not many people get out of that 70%."

I think I started to hyperventilate or something, because he flipped the paper over and did the *new* math (zero narcotics and 3-4 mg of klonopin).  "Look- this number doesn't exist anymore because you're not taking any narcotics.  And this number (the klonopin number) is already greatly reduced... and that's why you're here.  To knock that number out."

I left that appointment with a few new things:

-a much needed, renewed steely resolve to get off of klonopin.

-some anger (not gonna lie... how did I ever get to THAT point)  How am I even talking about this?  How is this an issue in my life?  Why can't I just focus on my kids, and my family, my business, etc.  Why do I have to even think about the number 70???

-HOPE.  I left with hope.  We had a plan. 


There's no point in denying it; getting off of klonopin is hard.  Some days are better than others, but this isn't an overnight fix. 

Anxiety medication has been part of my life for too long.  My brain is used to a certain dose, and doesn't know how to cope without it. 

Every single time I take a "step down" I go through hell.  It feels like every thought and ALL the feelings are just hammering at me.  A lot of times I have to step away from "stuff" and just "STOP."  If that makes sense?  I go into survival mode... it's really, very ugly.  And it just freaking happens.  I can't ever predict the exact day my body is going to revolt, but at some point, between the dosage dropping, I always end up in bed, thinking "I can't do this."

Why am I just now writing this?

Because last night I went through the pits.  And it reminded me this journey isn't even kind of over.   Actually it reminded me it's a journey I put myself on, that will never really BE over... it will just be in the past.  But it's naive of me to say, "one day I'll be 100% good!"

I'm still in it.  Even after an awesome week long jaunt through Florida with my family, anxiety finds me.  And I'm stuck in the black hole of anxiety. 

Sometimes I get comfy.  After so many triumphs under my belt, and "wins" (flying without anxiety meds, or driving somewhere... etc)  I start to feel gutsy.  Like "I got this."
 And just like that, the darkness swoops in.

Last night I started to pace in the kitchen.  ((HEY ANXIETY))!

No joke- my very first thought was, "What time is it?  Can I take my klonopin yet?"  I skipped all the sensible steps in between, and wanted the quick fix pill.   

((Sensible steps include:  oils & CBD, putting my cellphone away... resting... HYDRATING... reading... slowing down)

I told Ryan, "I need my brain to shut off for like five minutes.  If I could just STOP overthinking everything I could get myself together." 

Being anxious is SO. FREAKING. UNCOMFORTABLE.  The only way I can describe it is having severe brain fog, with shortness of breath and dizziness.  I can't focus, I start thinking catastrophically ( it's completely ridiculous)... did you know, for an entire year I didn't go to the alligator farm because I was convinced  if I took my kids, one of them would fall into the water?- I get paranoid about silly things (last night I was sobbing because I felt guilty for not cooking dinner).  Typing all of this out makes it sound even MORE crazy... yikes.  BUT... it also puts it in its place.  The catastrophic thinking, and the "not good enough" because you didn't make dinner stuff can be shoved in a corner called, "stupid, fearful, fictional stuff that my healing brain makes up."

Healing brain. 

I was told I couldn't "do life" for such a long time, that I believed it.  And sometimes, on the bad days (like last night) that sneaky doubt creeps in and I start to believe it again. 

But that doubt will never stick.  I won't allow it. 

Because I want the number zero.

I want a zero percent chance of an accidental overdose.  Not a 20% (that's what I'm at right now)... but a zero. 

A big, fat ZERO with a cherry on top.  THAT'S what I want.  THAT'S what I'm working my butt off for.  I can't tell you when I'll get there.  I wish I could- trust me.  I wish I had a date that I could look at and say, "By this time... I will not be struggling with klonopin anymore!"   That's not how it works. 

It's one day at a time.  Sometimes one minute at a time. 

But nothing worth having, comes easy.  And that zero is worth a lot to me.  It's worth a lot to my family, and friends as well. 

It's Saturday.  I "survived" my anxious night. 

I'm tired.  My patience with this process is wearing, for sure.  But it's all still here... patience, hope, trust, life, breath- my breath.  It's here.  And that means I continue to fight.  All of the things that sum up my zero are still RIGHT here, and I will never stop fighting for that number.

Never ever.

That saying, "less is more?"  Yeah.  That. 

I WANT ZERO. 

Thanks for reading and hearing my heart friends <3