yesterday

What about yesterday?

It sucked.  It caught me out of the blue, off guard and I'm still wiping my eyes.  It feels like I have gallons of tears behind my face, and as they fall, a little more anxiety, fear, guilt, and embarrassment goes with them.

That's something I've learned on this rollercoaster- it's okay to cry.  It's actually necessary to cry and say "I AM NOT OKAY... I need help with this."  I think I've learned that lesson... maybe I'm still working on it?  I don't know.

Yesterday a lot of old demons flared up.  And it was terrifying.

I've been having a lot of sinus pressure behind my face and head.  My left eye started to do the crazy big pupil thing.  I had about three days of the pressure and vision problems.  But I was okay!  Everything was FINE.  I was medicating with CBD, rest, water, and it was ALL okay...   Until it wasn't.

It took just a second- a split second. I felt fine (I mean other than the headache & eye pain I'd had for 3 days) but one second I was rescheduling our Midwest trip (thanks Dorian) and the next second I was showing Ryan blood clots.

A few weeks ago I passed two kidney stones and I immediately thought that was the cause.  I was hoping that was the cause.  But then I remembered I was on blood thinners.  And one of the HUGE
warnings on the packaging that comes with my coumadin is "go to ER immediately if there's any unexplained bleeding."

AWESOME.  AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.   That's all I could think on my way there.  I was so freaking ticked.  I kept saying, "Well isn't this just great?  This is how I wanted to spend my Sunday..."

I was SO angry.  I don't think I even said bye to my kids- I just walked out the door and told Ryan I'd be back later.

Flagler hospital.

It's a place in itself that holds too many emotions.  It's where I watched my grandma pass away.  And its also where Ryan and I welcomed Estella June and Rosie.  Such highs.  And SUCH lows.

It was my fault for going there, and not driving an extra thirty minutes to Baptist.   But I wanted this to be taken care of quick.  I had things to do.

I don't know the word for it- ironically?  Horrifying?  But when the nurse took me into the back, she led me into the same room where I had held my grandmas hand as she stepped into heaven.

I stopped at the door and asked why I wasn't being "fast tracked."

Our ER basically has two "lanes."
The "fast track" where you're pretty much in & out (meaning nothing was seriously, seriously wrong) and there was THIS lane- the one in the back, with monitors, and beeping, and noises.  Nurses hustling around, doctors being paged, etc.  This is where you get admitted.  This is where you get scans and tests.  This is where fear lives.  This is my where my anxiety plays and freaking PREYS on me.  It zips this way, and that dragging me down into rabbit holes.

I asked to go to the fast lane.  Actually, I asked to go home- any anger I had felt about being there dissipated into an eerie lull.  I just wanted out of there.  It was too dark.  Too loud.

She said because my heart rate and BP were up they wanted me on a monitor, and I'd probably need some kind of scan.

She handed me a gown and I started bawling.

It was the first time in a VERY long time I had put one of those stupid things on.

It was as awful as I remember it.  Cold, and unforgiving- flapping open in all the wrong places, at all the wrong times... ugh.

I shivered and cried under the blanket, waiting for the doctor.  And then "stuff" started to really hit.  I started to remember all the terrifying times I'd been here.  I thought of the nights spent there alone.  I remembered the fear of not knowing anything, but needing to know it.  I remembered all the pain, and weakness that place poured into me.  The doubts, and the rock bottoms, that weren't really rock bottoms-   I remembered everything far too well.

Guys- I wanted out so bad.  SO bad.  Not just out of that room, or out of that hospital.  But I wanted OUT of my skin.  I wanted out of my head.

The hospital was prepping for a hurricane. You could feel the nervousness.  There were lots of people running all over, confirming this and that.  Nurses and doctors were trying to tie things up to get home.  Others were getting ready for a long stay; the hospital is going on official lockdown whenever the winds hit 45mph. In short, the ER was chaos.  And it's the closest thing I can think of to describe what was happening with my mind- chaos.

Everything had gotten out.

Things I had tucked away in boxes- never to be seen again, were out in full view.  Memories I've worked so hard on forgiving myself for, pounded  at my brain.

By the time the doctor came in all of my vitals were up- so of course he wanted to rule stuff out.

-((((Hold up one second- I've had a LOT of doctors.  A LOT.  And I've had a lot of ER doctors.  The one I had yesterday was top notch.  He was awesome.  He listened.  He didn't jump any guns.  He was calming.  Reassuring.  I didn't catch his name (oops) but when I was discharged I told my nurse to make sure he knew what a great job he had done.)))))-

Anyways, he said because I was on blood thinners, and I'd had a headache for 3+ days I should get a scan to rule out any bleeding.  It was the safe thing to do.  And as much as I hated signing for the CT scan, I did.  He also checked my INR (clotting number) and a bunch of other labs right away- so we knew exactly what was on our plate.  My INR came back low, but my hemoglobin came back fine.

He was vigilant in checking my pupils (which were being so weird) , and he was very concerned with making me comfortable.

I knew what that meant.

Which meant I had to explain "it" to him.  I told him I don't do well with pain medication, and I needed to go home- get out of here ASAP. I was embarrassed as heck for having to say that but he treated me with so much respect- and dignity.  He took my concerns and fears, and eased them, letting me know I didn't need to do ANYTHING, and I was free to make my own choices.

I chose to have fluids and anxiety meds.

Yep.  Anxiety meds.  Ativan to be exact.

To be honest, I still feel guilty I succumbed to Ativan- but that's a discussion for my therapist & I on another day.

I got my scans, 2 rounds of fluids, a bunch of blood work up.

The doctor came in and explained that he would like to admit me- especially because of the hurricane.

I texted Ryan (he had been at home with the kids), "Get here ASAP- I need you."

And then I fell asleep.

When I woke up Ryan was there, and I LOST it.  LOST IT.  (I'm actually really surprised they didn't admit me for crying like a crazy person) It  was like everything in me just caved, seeing Ryan.  I sobbed and sobbed, and begged to go home.

We talked with the doctor for a lonnnnng time.  I told him I couldn't stay in the hospital- I just couldn't unless it was 100% necessary.  I couldn't take any of the "ruling this or that out."   With Ryan there, we were able to schedule some follow up appointments and blood work (again- major shout out to Dr. K for being so awesome)  And I was able to come home last night.  I wasn't admitted. I'm HOME- with no prescriptions.
 PRAISE GOD!  PRAISE GOD!  PRAISE GOD!

The upcoming appointments and scans are ahead of me, and yes, there's a lot of anxiety there.  But I'm doing this one day at a time.  One minute at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  A constant climb.

I think its something that didn't totally sink in before yesterday; Yeah I got out of that patch of scary health and hospital darkness, but it doesn't mean smooth sailing forever.  And I knew that- subconsciously I knew that-  I KNEW I couldn't get away without ever being in a hospital again.

I've said this a thousand times to y'all- AND myself- nothing is assured (especially our health).  NOTHING.  Not even your next breath.  As morbid as that sounds, its 100% true.

I was SO angry with God yesterday.  SO angry, and disappointed.  I felt let down.  I felt lost.  I felt like I'd been dropped.  I thought, "REALLY?  AGAIN WITH THIS???"

And I went to bed angry, just assuming I'd wake up to another day.

I did.  I fell asleep and thankfully woke up this morning, like every other day.

God gave me another day here.
 Another day to try.  Another day to figure stuff out.
Another day to watch my kids zip around the house.
Another day to feel love.
Another day to poke around on facebook, another day to talk to friends.  Another day to bake hurricane cookies.
Another day to be held by Ryan.
Another day to celebrate life here.

It's a kid verse- and one everyone knows, but seriously- "THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE-  I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!"  Every day- even the ones that are hard as heck, are DAYS.  And I think if we can take those "hard as heck" days, squeezing out the lessons to be learned, and COMPLETELY surrender to the fact that we don't have control over much, we'll be able to stack up more & more of the good days.

With more good days, the inevitable crash is a lot softer and easier to handle.  Ryan was just saying, "You're so much healthier now, that when something does knock you down, you're stronger- both mentally and physically."  It's true.  And I'm thankful for my glass half full guy,

It takes a TON (for me anyways) to surrender.  I like to think I've learned this or that lesson a million times.  But then a day like yesterday pops up and I'm served a HUGE slice of humble pie.

This morning I woke up, cried for a bit with Ryan about yesterday.  And then said, "I'm writing about this." -not like there's some golden information in here or anything.  But I wanted to write for me, and anyone else who is struggling with health crap... I want to push the words out of my fingers, about how HARD that was, and how hard this continues to be.  There isn't a dang shortcut and I SO wish there was.


Along with baking hurricane cookies, blogging, and watching my kids recreate a hurricane inside (YIKES), I'm also taking a heavier lean on His truth, and promises.  Because there is nothing HERE that will take any of this away.

And today?  That's okay.  I'm okay.
Whatever His plans are, five minutes from now, or a year from now, I am 100% confident there is purpose in those plans.  I won't lie and say that's an anxiety provoking thought for me... and my first instinct is to withdrawl; Tuck myself in and hibernate with the bad thoughts until that feeling goes away.  

But I know better.  I know more today, because of yesterday.

Yesterday was awful.  But its over.  I didn't do anything to cause my blood to clot, or my INR to plunge- it just HAPPENED.  

It's life.

And I'm thankful I get the opportunity today to reflect on that. :)

As always, thank you for reading, and hearing my heart friends.  You have no idea how impactful your messages, and thoughts have been.  

THANK YOU.

xoxo